Usually a new year comes with new resolutions and i have decided not to make any. Rather, i will live it one day at a time. I am 17 already but i feel so old. Its like as if i have seen through life when in fact i have not really seen it.

This is what happens when i get too caught up in the busyness of this life. It is good to be busy but when i start losing my sense of purpose, that is not good at all.

I become more short-tempered, cynical and just want to not do anything.

Purpose: To be a more loving and caring person, staying true to principles and to do everything to the best.

Last year was a year of exploration. New environment, friends and challenges. And that challenged me to broaden my horizions.

Sometimes i feel that i over think, to the point until i do not feel satisifed with my own life.

I cannot go past a day doing nothing or something meaningless.

And this thinking of mine at times led me to be cynical, especially when i feel that i am not doing something meaningful.

I set a high standard for myself. until i overthink.

I got to let go of some and be contented. For i am a human and not a superwoman.

The ironic thing is i set it but yet sometimes i do not work hard to acheive it.

Confusions within myself.

Deep down, i know i need quiet time with God. Knowing it and not doing it. I am not happy.

I got caught up with school stuff and entertainment. Despite all these stuff, i find myself needing time to space out and think deeply of the issues that i have always been thinking about.

Am i living a fulfilling life?

What is my purpose in life?

These two questions will guide me through the uncertainities of life. It might not feel right to pose it now but i feel that i need a long-term goal to reach for and aim towards.

Life is short, time is precious.

Right now i could say that i am not living a really fulfilling life. There are many things that i need to improve on. I want to work in a job that helps others to fulfill their potential. I love it when i see or hear a person achieving or living out his or her dreams . Because they found their purpose in life and they are happily contented. But i got to start with myself first. I got to be more optimistic.

I just took a personality test( i am always doing it because i cant be satisified with what im reading about myself) and i found one that really fits me.

PERFECT MELANCHOLY

The Perfect Melancholy is deeply thoughtful. They are the artists of the world as they are talented and creative, artistic, musical, philosophical, deep and thoughtful, analytical, appreciative of beauty, poetic and idealistic. They are sensitive to others, self-sacrificing and conscientious.  In work they are schedule oriented, perfectionists with high standards, detail conscious, persistent and thorough. They are organized, neat, tidy, and economical. They have the ability to see the problems and find creative solutions. The Perfect Melancholy makes friends cautiously and is content to stay in the background. They are faithful and devoted to their friends and will listen to complaints and solve problems as they have deep concern for other people. They are moved to tears with compassion and see the ideal mate.

Their weaknesses include a tendency toward depression and moodiness. They may have a low self-image, false humility, selective hearing and will remember the negatives. They may appear off in another world, too introspective, self-centered and enjoy being hurt. They tend to be hypochondriacs with an excess of guilt or a persecution complex.  They are not people oriented so at work they often prefer analysis to work. They become depressed over imperfections, choose difficult work, are hesitant to start projects, are hard to please, self-deprecating and have a deep need for approval. Socially they are insecure with a tendency to live through others. They are remote, withdrawn, critical of others, and suspicious. They may hold back affection, be antagonistic or vengeful and unforgiving.  They dislike those in opposition, are full of contradictions and skeptical of compliments.

Most of the description fits me and i now understand why i get sensitive so easily. This is one area i got to improve. Stop complaining!

I roughly know that my purpose in life is to help others, i do not like to work  with numbers. I need human contact and i need a goal that is meaningful. This is what i want to do in the future. Earn money but with a fulfilling purpose.

I have to focus on the present first. Get good grades and work up from there

And I am captured by your majesty

All of my days i will sing of your goodness

All of my days i will sing of your praise

All of my days i will tell of your wondrous love

Your love in my life..Your Love…

Amen.

Be it good times or bad times, God has always been by my side.

Thank God.  Let me get back to the heart of worship.

Without reflections, i would not have realise if i became better or worse. I will unknowingly get caught in the things of this world and lose myself in it.

With the world getting more and more interconnected, accessability to any kind of information can be made within a matter of seconds. Without moral principles and values, one can get lost easily and just blindly follow without knowing the consequences.  

Nowadays there is no clear line between right and wrong. It seems that if there is a reasonable reason to a person commiting that crime shown in court, the punishment will be reduced.

For me, i thank God for the bible.

I had backslidden from him before and i experience misery without Him. For i had no contentment and nothing could satisfy me. But when i went back to Him, i realised that true happiness and contentment is found in Him.

Without Him, i think i would have been lost.

I like to see my own blog having lots of lots post, each post detailing a small portion of my life. And then when i look back at it in the future, i am able to see myself and learn from it.

Since April, i have been going to poly and attending my business course. Taking modules ranging from microeconomics, statistics, IT, princples of management, effective commns and accounting. I could not keep it up in the beginning as i am not used to their system of lectures and tutorials every week. I have to revise at home otherwise i would be left out. My first tests for all these modules came back with medicore results and i hope to improve it in the following tests.

Accounting: A

Effective commns: B

IT: C+

POM:C+

Microecons: C

I still am setting high expectations for  myself, so i am kind of disappointed with the Cs but i will put in more effort to improve in the next round.

Other than acadamic matters, i have made wonderful friends in my class as well. Being in a small group of 8(including me), made life more interesting as each of my friends have unqiue personality, which created hilarious  jokes. I find myself relaxing being with them and sometimes could even forget the tough situations that i am facing. I thank God for them.

I have to admit that during my time in poly, my personal time with God had abruptly stopped.

I knew that its not good, so i am trying to do it twice a week, at least, better than nothing.

Before the June 2 weeks break, i was given numerous group projects by various module teachers. As i know that one week would be spent in taiwan, i rushed to get started on my projects on the earlier one week. Its crazy and tiring for me. My projects presentations would be in 2 to 3 weeks time. So far, my group  projects are on the way to completion. All thanks to my group mates.

Half a year has gone in an blink of a eye. If i were to look back from Jan till now, all i could say is i am learning and adapting from new school to new friends.

In this world, busyness is the norm. If you are not busy, you are considered ‘lazy’

For example, a student enjoying his holidays..and the father ask..

Don’t you have any tutorials or cca this week?

Don’t you have homework?

Why are you just lazing around watching television?

Must we actually be attending lots of school activities to be considered diligent?

Last Friday a powerful earthquake struck Japan..and triggered the tsunami

The tsunami practically swept away towns, cars and people.

It happened in the afternoon when most adults were working and most students were in schools studying

Adults working to earn money to support their families..

Students studying for a better future..

No one would have expected the disaster that struck next

They did not even have a chance to say some last words to their family..

Life is unpredictable..

And since that is so, we should be making time for our families and friends

For money can always be earned and education can always start later..

Let us not be complacent

Let me just share with you what i have been up to..

I attempted to try working at swensons …my first time working in F & B

But i quit after 2 days..

Its my fault for giving up so easily and my impatience with people…and my habit of worrying excessively

But no matter what i will not go into that kind of business..

As i do not like working in shifts and having to work on weekends

In fact it only serves to tell me that i should work in office..business

At least i got proper lunch and dinner and i do not have to work on weekends!

So for one month after that i stopped working..

I have no idea how it went..

But i know i am going brain dead..

And so last week i worked in a clearance sale with shimin..

She joined me for 3 days..so my work in retail was not unbearable

Stand for 9 hours a day..1 hour of break in between..

It was tiring and boring..

But i met some nice people there…so it was not that bad

Actually after working a bit in F&B and retail..i appreciate the people working there more

Especially because i am not suited for it

Long hours of standing but have to put on a gracious front is not easy

Facing unpleasant customers but yet have to speak politely…

Bravo i must say

I have no inking of my future plans for now..

I am just waiting for poly to start…

Old news but yea i am posted to Nanyang Poly business management course

I am contented with it…not too happy and not too sad..

Excited and Eager to make the best out of my 3 years there.

i Must think of something to do…for now till April

Should i work? Should i go and learn something?

I see how then

Lazy to post…

Till then bye

so i slept peacefully….

Woke at 2.20am to close the windows as it was raining..

Woke again at 5.50am as i could not stand it..

Paced around my room…trying to relax..

The rest of the morning was spent doing relaxing activities..just like that

Took bus 12 to school for the last  time…

I never panicked…

……………….

Let me get to the main event…the event that i had waiting for what seems like an eternity

I was the second person to receive my results

I was the first person to cry in my class…i think so…

I could not comprehend whatever was in front of me..its plain shocking to me

My own efforts did not really paid off well’

English: B3

Chinese: B3

Maths: C6

Combined humanities: C6

History: A2

Science: C5

POA: B3

I couldnt stand the sight of seeing the six in my result slip..

why?! i tried to reason but found none..

This feeling lasted for an hour or so…

And then there was HOPE…

I found many courses that i qualfiy for..although its not my No 1 course..

But i know that i still can aim towards my future..

I thank God for my results..